Scrubs, My Old Friend's Last Hurrah

***Yes, I know I haven't posted in forever, who knew having a family and real job could be so time consuming?***


You’re probably familiar with the TV show Scrubs. Hopefully, you saw it in the first 5 seasons, and not the downhill slide it has become for the last 2, but I digress. My wife claims I am obsessed with Scrubs, but I disagree, it is far more serious than mere obsession. I can sit and watch old episodes, saying every line of every episode (and yes it is funnier that way) and be perfectly content for hours. The show, the jokes, the slapstick, it never gets old. So what is it about a mere sitcom that entertains me so?

First of all, it’s just that damn funny. The brilliance of the comedic writing is that it manages to be very complex and childishly simple at the same time. It's more than just the jokes though. The show not only became a part of my life, in a way it helped to save it.

I was introduced to Scrubs in the late spring/early summer of 2003, which was between the 2nd and 3rd seasons. I had just moved to Athens, and I was literally starting my life over. I was awaiting the start of a new job, but all my friends worked, so there was about a three week period where I did nothing but watch the first two seasons all day, taking a long break to meet my buddies for a two hour lunch. I watched those early episodes over and over, and I knew (and still know) them by heart. It was an escape of sorts, a way to get away from the shit storm that was my life at the time, and that was the beginning.

From there Scrubs became not just a television show; it became ingrained in my life. I was sharing a house with my best friend, and we had every episode stored digitally and able to be played at will. Scrubs was on constantly at our house. In fact, it was often on and just running on mute in the background. We quoted every line, both during the show and randomly throughout the day, we called out continuity errors in the show, and I even somewhat modeled my management style after that of Dr. Cox. The show was a constant during a time in my life when everything else was changing.

As time tends to do, it moved on. I moved out of Athens, got married, and started a family. I still watched Scrubs, both in syndication and the new episodes, but it wasn’t quite the same. I only saw the new episodes a couple of times each, not the ridiculous quantities of past seasons. Scrubs was changing too, it was also moving on. Season 5 was probably the pinnacle, and the slide downward was quick from there. The jokes were still funny, but storylines were running thin, and I found myself laughing out loud fewer and fewer times each episode. As I write this, I have just finished watching the final episode of the strike shortened season 7, which has been quietly billed as the “Final” episode. Not so however, as ABC will shortly be announcing that they are picking up an eighth and final season of 18 episodes. I have mixed feelings about this, as the show’s time has come, and it really needs to go, but I do want it to get a proper ending. On the other hand, something that played a significant role in my life is coming to an end. It may be just a sitcom, but any social event that manages to impact someone the way that Scrubs has me must have been something pretty unique, and something we may not see again for some time.

47 Cents Til Thursday

A couple of years ago, I found myself in the position of having all my bills paid up, a full tank of gas, and about $100 to last me until the next payday, which would be Thursday, six days away. Now this was not such a bad thing. I needed money for absolutely nothing between Friday and Thursday except to eat out on. Then I did what any of us would do in this position - I spent just about every dime of it in one night of beer filled fun. Some friends of mine came up with the idea of driving out to an Octoberfest in a town an hour or so away. At the time I was fully aware that there was no way I was going to be able to attend this function, eat dinner, drink, and still have any money left over. However, I did it anyway, and when I got home early Saturday morning, I emptied my pockets to find that I had exactly 47 cents to last me until Thursday. Why would any rational person do such a thing?

The answer is simple, albeit cliched. Money isn't everything. Why do we drag our sorry asses out of bed every morning to go to work? Is it because we love our jobs so much? No, we do it to make money, and you simply can't survive as a human being if you only work to make money to pay your bills and never spend a dime on anything that you don't need. We truly do deserve to do something totally irrational that we can't afford every so often. Mine was this beer festival. I drove out, had an overpriced dinner with some friends, and went to the event. If you've never been to one of these, you have no idea what you are missing. There were more imported beers than we had time to try, an authentic German polka band, and as a result, a lot of really drunk people dancing badly to really shitty music. There are some experiences that you just can't put a price tag on.

Enjoy while you have it people. An old college buddy of mine used to say "You'd better get it while the getting is good, cause you just never know when the getting won't be so good anymore" As I recall, he was referring to chasing ass, but I think the idea is still very relevant here. Was I really out anything by having spent the money I did in the way that I did? I think not. So I didn’t have McDonalds for lunch for the next couple of days. That's probably better in the long run anyway. I had a great time, I'd do it again, and as I recall, I made it just fine on my 9 cents a day.

Letter To Me

If you could write a letter and send it back in time to yourself, what would you say? Let’s be a little realistic (despite the fact that we are talking about time travel) and assume you can’t send yourself stock tips or lottery numbers. Would you be practical or downright greedy? The possibilities are endless, and for me a several ideas come to mind.

September 22, 1995 “Watch out for the weakside linebacker blitz. If he hits you, your left knee is never going to be the same.”

November 4, 1998 “Stop drinking a half hour earlier, this hangover is going to be bad enough as it is, and the girl turns out to be an ugo."

July 12, 2001. “That blonde in the corner at Spyro, yes she’s looking at you, and you really need to go talk to her.”

July 13, 2001. “See, I told you so. And that missing bra is stuck behind the headboard.”

April 1, 2003. “Plan on buying Sam a really nice birthday gift this year, he’s about to bail your ass out of a mess you can’t even imagine.”

January 8, 2005. “Make sure you’re on AIM today. Trust me, the rest of your life depends on it.”

Anyone of these could have saved me countless headaches. But would it be worth it? What other effects would any of these small changes have had? Would the known reward be worth the unforeseen consequences? After careful reflection, the risk just wouldn’t be worth it. My letter would go something like this:

Past me,
This is you 10 years from now. I’ve been trying to figure out what advice to give you to make our life turn out better, and I’ve only come up with this. The next 10 years of your life is going to be a wild ride, but don’t change a damn thing. Live it up, enjoy it all, and drink enough to pickle an elephant. There will be a regret or two (or eight), but it’s all worth it. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

Future you.

P.S. On second thought, there is one thing. Don’t pee in Kevin’s shoes, he really didn’t find that one funny.

Duties *hehehehe*

I was watching the Braves with my wife recently, and the announcer made the seemingly innocuous statement “Renteria is doing double duty on the infield tonight.” I of course, found this extremely funny, because being a man, what I had heard was “Renteria is doing double doody on the infield tonight.” I spent the next several seconds in laughter, while my wife rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath what a lucky woman she is. Women just don’t get it. They never have, and never will understand our sense of humor.

Why are doody jokes so funny? Any variant of the word will crack me up regardless of situation or setting. It’s funny for the same reason that a 90 year old man will fall off his rocking chair laughing at a fart. That kind of humor is simply timeless. I’ve come to the conclusion that the male sense of humor reaches full maturity at age 10. This rule is without question universal. If it was funny in 3rd grade, it’s funny now.

The reasoning here is simple. Growing older is inevitable, but growing up is merely optional. Being all grown up doesn’t mean that you can’t still enjoy at least some of what was so much fun as a kid. If you grow up to the point that you can’t laugh at something so purely childish as a doody joke, then what can you laugh at? With the amount of stress and worry that is entailed in being a responsible adult, you have to have a pressure release valve of some sort, and mindless humor that requires no mental exertion fills this role well.

Let’s face it, your day to day life sucks a lot of the time. When something comes along to relieve that, even for a moment, you should take full advantage of it. Quite frankly, it’s your duty. *hehehehe*

The Best And Worst Of Me

You’ll often hear people tell you that one time or another will be “the best years of your life”. The time period they reference will vary, and the source of this information will be some sad old soul pining over what might have been. Quite frankly, this is really bad advice to be given. How can you enjoy it if all you are doing is worrying about whether or not you are making the most of it? What really defines the best period of your life anyway? Is it fall nights under the lights playing high school ball? Binge drinking and chasing tail for 4 (or 5, or 6) years in college? Or is it merely as compared to the worst time of your life? I suppose the answer has a lot to do with your perspective.

Until very recently, the answer for me would have been the years I spent living in Athens shortly after college. I moved into a house with my best friend, had a mindless no stress job, and had no real responsibilities. Between UGA football, all night poker sessions, and hitting the midnight showing of every major movie release, it was truly the quintessential bachelorhood. What could possibly be better? At that time, the absolute worst thing I could have imagined was being trapped in some high stress job trying to juggle a career, a wife, a mortgage and an SUV. This was practically yesterday, but at the same time it was another lifetime ago.

Fast forward four short years and it’s a completely different world. I have a wife and a newborn daughter, and my world has been turned upside down and stuffed in a box. Where once I didn’t think about work unless I was there, I now have that high stress job that absolutely consumes me, but it provides the house, the SUV and the minivan. Back then a weekend was sleeping in on Saturday, catching a long lunch with my buddies, and then wasting the rest of the day watching Scrubs reruns. Now a weekend means up at 8am on Saturday to make the most of the day. I’ll mow the grass, spend the afternoon running around with the wife, and do all those other things that a good husband does. Instead of hours playing Playstation, I’ll stand in my daughter’s room and just watch her sleep. This dichotomy is absolutely fascinating to me. Virtually overnight, the beer swilling, skirt chasing frat boy has become this domesticated grownup that the old me would hardly even recognize, but I wouldn’t trade a moment of today for all the “good old days” put together.

So what really defines the best period of your life? It’s not fleeting moments of glory, and it’s not just as compared to the bad times. The answer is that the best time of your life is how you compare it to the rest of the good times. During what used to be the “best years of my life” I thought there could be nothing worse than my life now, but living it now couldn’t be any better.

The Bro's Before Ho's Principle

With few exceptions, all of the truly great stories that you have likely involve 3 key elements. Alcohol, doing something stupid, and most importantly the other guy that supplied either the alcohol, the idea, or the motivation that made it happen. Your friends provide the framework of your entire social structure, and they do this by being there for everything, both stellar and stupid.

As a general rule, guys will have a few select friends throughout his life rather than many lesser acquaintances, and they will be fiercely loyal to these chosen few. These are the guys that will drop everything to take you out to drink away a bad relationship, give up their couch when your girlfriend kicks you out, and defend you regardless of how very wrong you may be. They will be there supporting every decision you make, and they will also be there when those decision go directly to shit. These are the kind of actions that form absolute loyalty, and the importance of them cannot be overstated.

Women however, do not understand this. Their world tends to revolve around their current relationship, and they will likely expect the same from you. That is not to say they can’t dislike your friends, because they most certainly will. Most women you date will have a problem of some sort with one or more of your friends. See, in order for your girlfriend to view you as being date-able, she has to find some way to explain all your bad traits. Since most of your bad traits are probably related to the fact that you’re a guy, the natural response is for her to see your male friends as the embodiment (and therefore the cause) of everything negative she finds in you. That is to be expected. Your girlfriend doesn't have to become best buds with all your friends, but it's not too much to ask for her to at least tolerate them and play nice. Any woman, regardless of how hot she may be, who asks or even expects you to choose her over your friends is simply not worth your time. This critical element of guydom is known simply as “Bro’s Before Ho’s”

Unfortunately, while this principle is recognized and accepted by men everywhere as one of the simplest and most crucial that all guys live by, it is frequently violated. It is far too easy for many guys to get themselves wrapped up in the latest woman in their life and forget all about their friends. The excuses begin, ("I would come to trivia night, but…”), traditions are put on hold ("I know we go to Jacksonville for the Florida game every year, but...") and all the buddies get brushed off until the next time they're needed. Don’t be that guy, nobody likes him. While it is reasonable to expect that you will have less available time for drinking with the boys, don’t make the mistake of forgetting them entirely. If you do however, there is hope. These friends, being guys themselves, have probably made that same mistake, and will still be there for that night of drinking and debauchery when that latest, greatest woman drops you straight on your ass, regardless of how easy it was for you to blow them off. And they will still be there for the vicious cycle to start all over. Now ask yourself one question: How many women in your life are that reliable? That's what I thought.

Things We Wish You Knew

Those of you who have read any of my previous ramblings know that my primary audience is guys. This one is different. This article is written with a female audience in mind. There are things in this world that every guy accepts as truth, sometimes even as gospel, and we all truly wish that women understood them. So as a public service to men everywhere, I'm going lay it all out on the table in the and try to teach you a thing or two. Pay attention, and take notes as necessary.

-Try to be just a little considerate. If you have something to say during a game, save it for a commercial.
-Marco Polo didn't stop for directions. Neither will we. Ever.
-When the oil light in your car comes on, we want to know sooner, not later.
-We don't remember what day it is, and we don't care. If it's important, put it on the calendar.
-Baseball is not “just a game”. Checkers is a game. Learn the difference.
-If you ask us a question you do not want answered, you will get an answer you do not want.
-If you think your ass is getting bigger, it probably is. See the previous statement before asking us about it.
-We are not always thinking about you. Just accept it.
-Stop asking what we are thinking. It is always sex, food, beer, or sports.
-Your ex boyfriend is a dumbass. We don't care what he would think. The same is probably true of your brother and your Dad.
-Sunday afternoons are for naps and football. That's just the way it is.
-If there are 2 ways to interpret something we say, we mean the way that doesn't offend you.
-There are 162 games in a baseball season, and yes we have to watch them all.
-If you don't want the genie to come out, don't rub the damn lamp.
-You can work the toilet seat just as easily as we can.
-The black shoes you want us to look at in the mall will always look just like the ones in your closet.
-We never get subtle hints. Just tell us what you want.
-A simple yes or no is a perfectly acceptable answer. We really won't be upset if you don't explain in detail.
-The words "fine" and "whatever" are never acceptable ways to end a conversation.
-We don't care if you fake it. We just don't want to know about it.
-You can ask us to do something or you can tell us how to do it. You cannot do both.
-Yes we have to fart, and yes it will always be funny.
-Just because you care what your Mom thinks doesn't mean we do.
-What you are wearing is fine. It will always be fine.
-Don't ask us to clean the toilet and we won't ask you to mow the grass.
-If you make out with another chick, we don't consider it cheating. Actually, we encourage it.
-Cotton shorts and a tank top will always be hotter than anything you can buy at Victoria's Secret
-Peeing standing up is far more difficult than peeing at point blank range. We are going to miss once in a while.
-Is it really all that difficult to have the bra and panties match?

What were you expecting, some deep, emotional Freudian discussion? That's it. All very simple, but all very important. Now you know.