Duties *hehehehe*

I was watching the Braves with my wife recently, and the announcer made the seemingly innocuous statement “Renteria is doing double duty on the infield tonight.” I of course, found this extremely funny, because being a man, what I had heard was “Renteria is doing double doody on the infield tonight.” I spent the next several seconds in laughter, while my wife rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath what a lucky woman she is. Women just don’t get it. They never have, and never will understand our sense of humor.

Why are doody jokes so funny? Any variant of the word will crack me up regardless of situation or setting. It’s funny for the same reason that a 90 year old man will fall off his rocking chair laughing at a fart. That kind of humor is simply timeless. I’ve come to the conclusion that the male sense of humor reaches full maturity at age 10. This rule is without question universal. If it was funny in 3rd grade, it’s funny now.

The reasoning here is simple. Growing older is inevitable, but growing up is merely optional. Being all grown up doesn’t mean that you can’t still enjoy at least some of what was so much fun as a kid. If you grow up to the point that you can’t laugh at something so purely childish as a doody joke, then what can you laugh at? With the amount of stress and worry that is entailed in being a responsible adult, you have to have a pressure release valve of some sort, and mindless humor that requires no mental exertion fills this role well.

Let’s face it, your day to day life sucks a lot of the time. When something comes along to relieve that, even for a moment, you should take full advantage of it. Quite frankly, it’s your duty. *hehehehe*

The Best And Worst Of Me

You’ll often hear people tell you that one time or another will be “the best years of your life”. The time period they reference will vary, and the source of this information will be some sad old soul pining over what might have been. Quite frankly, this is really bad advice to be given. How can you enjoy it if all you are doing is worrying about whether or not you are making the most of it? What really defines the best period of your life anyway? Is it fall nights under the lights playing high school ball? Binge drinking and chasing tail for 4 (or 5, or 6) years in college? Or is it merely as compared to the worst time of your life? I suppose the answer has a lot to do with your perspective.

Until very recently, the answer for me would have been the years I spent living in Athens shortly after college. I moved into a house with my best friend, had a mindless no stress job, and had no real responsibilities. Between UGA football, all night poker sessions, and hitting the midnight showing of every major movie release, it was truly the quintessential bachelorhood. What could possibly be better? At that time, the absolute worst thing I could have imagined was being trapped in some high stress job trying to juggle a career, a wife, a mortgage and an SUV. This was practically yesterday, but at the same time it was another lifetime ago.

Fast forward four short years and it’s a completely different world. I have a wife and a newborn daughter, and my world has been turned upside down and stuffed in a box. Where once I didn’t think about work unless I was there, I now have that high stress job that absolutely consumes me, but it provides the house, the SUV and the minivan. Back then a weekend was sleeping in on Saturday, catching a long lunch with my buddies, and then wasting the rest of the day watching Scrubs reruns. Now a weekend means up at 8am on Saturday to make the most of the day. I’ll mow the grass, spend the afternoon running around with the wife, and do all those other things that a good husband does. Instead of hours playing Playstation, I’ll stand in my daughter’s room and just watch her sleep. This dichotomy is absolutely fascinating to me. Virtually overnight, the beer swilling, skirt chasing frat boy has become this domesticated grownup that the old me would hardly even recognize, but I wouldn’t trade a moment of today for all the “good old days” put together.

So what really defines the best period of your life? It’s not fleeting moments of glory, and it’s not just as compared to the bad times. The answer is that the best time of your life is how you compare it to the rest of the good times. During what used to be the “best years of my life” I thought there could be nothing worse than my life now, but living it now couldn’t be any better.

The Bro's Before Ho's Principle

With few exceptions, all of the truly great stories that you have likely involve 3 key elements. Alcohol, doing something stupid, and most importantly the other guy that supplied either the alcohol, the idea, or the motivation that made it happen. Your friends provide the framework of your entire social structure, and they do this by being there for everything, both stellar and stupid.

As a general rule, guys will have a few select friends throughout his life rather than many lesser acquaintances, and they will be fiercely loyal to these chosen few. These are the guys that will drop everything to take you out to drink away a bad relationship, give up their couch when your girlfriend kicks you out, and defend you regardless of how very wrong you may be. They will be there supporting every decision you make, and they will also be there when those decision go directly to shit. These are the kind of actions that form absolute loyalty, and the importance of them cannot be overstated.

Women however, do not understand this. Their world tends to revolve around their current relationship, and they will likely expect the same from you. That is not to say they can’t dislike your friends, because they most certainly will. Most women you date will have a problem of some sort with one or more of your friends. See, in order for your girlfriend to view you as being date-able, she has to find some way to explain all your bad traits. Since most of your bad traits are probably related to the fact that you’re a guy, the natural response is for her to see your male friends as the embodiment (and therefore the cause) of everything negative she finds in you. That is to be expected. Your girlfriend doesn't have to become best buds with all your friends, but it's not too much to ask for her to at least tolerate them and play nice. Any woman, regardless of how hot she may be, who asks or even expects you to choose her over your friends is simply not worth your time. This critical element of guydom is known simply as “Bro’s Before Ho’s”

Unfortunately, while this principle is recognized and accepted by men everywhere as one of the simplest and most crucial that all guys live by, it is frequently violated. It is far too easy for many guys to get themselves wrapped up in the latest woman in their life and forget all about their friends. The excuses begin, ("I would come to trivia night, but…”), traditions are put on hold ("I know we go to Jacksonville for the Florida game every year, but...") and all the buddies get brushed off until the next time they're needed. Don’t be that guy, nobody likes him. While it is reasonable to expect that you will have less available time for drinking with the boys, don’t make the mistake of forgetting them entirely. If you do however, there is hope. These friends, being guys themselves, have probably made that same mistake, and will still be there for that night of drinking and debauchery when that latest, greatest woman drops you straight on your ass, regardless of how easy it was for you to blow them off. And they will still be there for the vicious cycle to start all over. Now ask yourself one question: How many women in your life are that reliable? That's what I thought.

Things We Wish You Knew

Those of you who have read any of my previous ramblings know that my primary audience is guys. This one is different. This article is written with a female audience in mind. There are things in this world that every guy accepts as truth, sometimes even as gospel, and we all truly wish that women understood them. So as a public service to men everywhere, I'm going lay it all out on the table in the and try to teach you a thing or two. Pay attention, and take notes as necessary.

-Try to be just a little considerate. If you have something to say during a game, save it for a commercial.
-Marco Polo didn't stop for directions. Neither will we. Ever.
-When the oil light in your car comes on, we want to know sooner, not later.
-We don't remember what day it is, and we don't care. If it's important, put it on the calendar.
-Baseball is not “just a game”. Checkers is a game. Learn the difference.
-If you ask us a question you do not want answered, you will get an answer you do not want.
-If you think your ass is getting bigger, it probably is. See the previous statement before asking us about it.
-We are not always thinking about you. Just accept it.
-Stop asking what we are thinking. It is always sex, food, beer, or sports.
-Your ex boyfriend is a dumbass. We don't care what he would think. The same is probably true of your brother and your Dad.
-Sunday afternoons are for naps and football. That's just the way it is.
-If there are 2 ways to interpret something we say, we mean the way that doesn't offend you.
-There are 162 games in a baseball season, and yes we have to watch them all.
-If you don't want the genie to come out, don't rub the damn lamp.
-You can work the toilet seat just as easily as we can.
-The black shoes you want us to look at in the mall will always look just like the ones in your closet.
-We never get subtle hints. Just tell us what you want.
-A simple yes or no is a perfectly acceptable answer. We really won't be upset if you don't explain in detail.
-The words "fine" and "whatever" are never acceptable ways to end a conversation.
-We don't care if you fake it. We just don't want to know about it.
-You can ask us to do something or you can tell us how to do it. You cannot do both.
-Yes we have to fart, and yes it will always be funny.
-Just because you care what your Mom thinks doesn't mean we do.
-What you are wearing is fine. It will always be fine.
-Don't ask us to clean the toilet and we won't ask you to mow the grass.
-If you make out with another chick, we don't consider it cheating. Actually, we encourage it.
-Cotton shorts and a tank top will always be hotter than anything you can buy at Victoria's Secret
-Peeing standing up is far more difficult than peeing at point blank range. We are going to miss once in a while.
-Is it really all that difficult to have the bra and panties match?

What were you expecting, some deep, emotional Freudian discussion? That's it. All very simple, but all very important. Now you know.

Language

Going through our daily lives, we as men tend to use harsh language at times. Some more than others, but we all do it. Sometimes it has to do with watching sports, sometimes it has to do with women, and sometimes just because it’s funny. The proper use of language however, is more than just throwing a random expletive into a sentence, it is an art form. Appropriate consideration must be given to several factors, including but not limited to, the setting, the company, and the desired effect of the statement you are trying to make. Mastering this art is crucial, as improper use of language can make you look like a complete jackass.

Some settings where swearing is completely inappropriate are fairly obvious. Church, job interviews, and public speaking venues are prime examples. Some settings are not as obvious, but important to remember nonetheless. Language is particularly critical on a first date, and for that matter the first few dates. Unless the female specifically opens that door, always carefully choose your words in the early dating phase. Remember that a first date is many things, but it is most importantly a job interview for your favorite part of your anatomy, and you should treat it as such. You really need to know the girl a little before exposing her to the more abrasive facets of your personality. How you talk in your professional life also warrants thought. Granted, the importance of this varies with your job, as the language on a construction site will be very different than that in a law firm, but as a general rule, some care must be taken. Regardless of your particular business, you will come off as much more professional if you talk like you are, and that will directly relate to your level of success. I'm of the opinion that work and women are closely related, as they are both simply pursuits of something. One is money, the other is booty, but you get the idea. And while in the pursuit of either, you should most likely watch what you say.

Considering the effect you are trying to achieve with what you are saying is also very important. While a statement can be greatly improved with the right word or phrase, the wrong one can just make you look stupid. Proper word choice is also often the deciding factor in whether something is funny or just obscene. Sometimes "Holy Shit" is a little extreme, but a well-timed "Holy Crap" is downright hysterical. The impact made by one simple word can also be seen in the difference in the sentences “Shut up” and “Shut the fuck up.” These are two entirely different statements. One little word, but a whole world of difference.

There are certain constants in this world that will always have significant impacts on our language. Women are of course one of these. The Pope himself would open up a whole new area of his vocabulary by moving in with a woman. Anytime your patience is tested in the way that only a woman can your language will certainly be impacted. I believe the reason for this to be that the frustrations that women impart on us transcend not only culture, but time as well, going back to the first caveman whose wife gave him hell for bringing home the wrong animal skin. Our brains regress and try to express this primal rage. Since simply clubbing women over the head became politically incorrect several thousand years ago, we express this rage through various colorful expressions.

While there are many reasons why we swear, and many different ways that we do it, the fact remains that is an art. We must always carefully watch what we say, how we say it, and who we say it to. Then again, I could be wrong, in which case - fuck it.

Choices

We all make choices every day of our lives. Some of these are big, like the house we buy, and some are small, like do I want tomato on my sandwhich today. Some however, are much bigger than they may seem. What may seem an insignificant decision requiring little or no thought may, and often times does influence how you are perceived by others, specifically by women. If that is the case, then these choices are determining whether or not you get laid, and therefore they are very significant indeed.

First of all, we should cover your drink of choice when out in public. You can never go wrong with beer. As long as there's no fruit in it, you're okay here. Mixed drinks are a whole other story however. There are far more guidelines to be observed here. First and foremost, no fruity shit. That much should be obvious. You simply cannot be taken seriously while drinking a strawberry daiquiri. Second, only international spies are allowed to drink martinis, so don't even think about uttering the words "shaken not stirred." If you're ordering mixed drinks, stick with the classics. Rum and coke is okay, Jack and coke is better, Crown and coke is preferred. You can get away with a whiskey sour, and straight whiskey or scotch is always a winner.

Personal appearance also warrants some attention. Stick with a classic business casual wardrobe and you'll be fine. Khaki pants and polo shirts or button downs will never be a bad idea. Jeans may be substituted for less formal occasions. The only real guideline here has to do with colors. NO PASTEL SHIRTS! You do not look good in that pink polo. You look gay. Get over it. Also included here is facial hair. Choose your facial hair responsibly people. No straight man has worn only a moustache since Magnum P.I. went off the air. Goatees are good, beards are okay. Anything beyond that may be acceptable for you depending on your occupation, but keep in mind that mutton chops simply aren't going to impress anyone.

Finally, let's look at your choice of vehicle. Now obviously what we drive does have some dependence on our income, and that's fine. You don't have to drive a BMW Z3, but you certainly may NOT drive a Volkswagen Bug. As long as you choose wisely and don't pick a car that just screams "I take it in the ass" you should be fine. In regards to color, again stick with the basics. Black, red, blue, and white are all fine. Green is a little girly, and anything yellow is just stupid. I mean seriously, what chance do you really have of getting laid if you pick the chick up in a yellow Kia. Think about that.

Choices rule our lives. We are forced to make choices everyday of our lives, and for the most part we make choices about things that we really don't give a shit about. The general rule is, when presented with a decision to make, I usually don't care either way, but consideration must always be given to what my choice may say about me to the opposite sex. So, when you get right down to it, almost every single choice you make can be simplified down to "do I want to get laid." And if you don't know the answer to that one, there's really not much I can do for you.

The Package Theory

Looks vs. Personalilty in a female prospect is an age old debate. It rarely comes up between two guys, because no true friend would ever try and set you up with an ugly girl. When you're being set up by a female friend, however, this is very important, because all your friend sees in this prospect is how good a person she may be. That's all well and good, but we all know that how good a person this chick is falls somewhere on my priority list between where she went to college and what her dog's name is. It's one of those things I'll find out at some point, but at first I really couldn't care any less.

I'm not saying that personality isn't important in the long run, but let's face facts here. How often do we really get to the long run. Look at it this way. If you walk into a room and there are two packages on a table that you must choose between, how do you choose? If one them is wrapped in torn dirty newspaper, it's not going to be chosen over one that is carefully and attractively wrapped. Granted, the first may contain a million dollars and the second a pound of dog shit, but you're going to choose the better looking one first. Regardless of how illogical this thinking may turn out to be, it's never going to change.

Women on the other hand, do not see it this way. They actually care what's on the inside regardless of the packaging. For this reason, extreme caution must be used when allowing a female friend to set you up with someone she knows. Yes, she may be a great person and the nicest girl you ever met, but chances are she looks like someone set her face on fire and put it out with a shovel. Does this mean that we're shallow and rude? YES! But we're men dammit, that really shouldn't be breaking news.

There is a downside to this line of thinking. It really can bite you in the ass. I've had a string of attractive women who were nothing but perfect to begin with, but then once that package is opened, turned out to be a truly rotten bitch. Personality does count at some point. But so does a nice rack.