Successfully Living In Crazyland

At some point in every man's life, he moves past just dating a woman and into an actual relationship. Yes, relationships, that ugly "R" word that changes all the rules we were so familiar with. It is easy to make the mistake that a relationship is just something that happens when you've been dating the same person for a while. That assumption however, is incorrect. That is simply the proper setting. A relationship is a complex paradigm all it's own that alters every single thing you thought you knew about women. You begin to see things about her that she hid so well during the dating phase. You begin seeing the annoying habits, the silly compulsions, and the beginnings of her insanity. You've now entered a place that I like to call Crazyland, and there are things you will need to know in order to survive here. Here are some of the big ones, in no particular order.

- Women are insane. All of them. Your girlfriend is not the exception to this rule, no matter how much you want her to be. You can continue telling your friends that she’s different, she doesn’t play the typical games, but they know the truth, we all do. Some women are better at hiding the crazy than others, but it’s there nonetheless, and it will come out at some point. That point will most likely be after you are in way over your head.

- Every day is brand new day. What may have been true yesterday is not necessarily so today. She can, and more importantly WILL, change her mind about some mundane detail at any given time, with no apparent reason. Just because she ordered a steak for dinner last week does not mean she isn't a vegetarian today. As annoying as this phenomenon can be, it only gets worse. You are expected to know not only when these changes take place, you must also know and understand why. There is no magic solution to this one, your best bet is to just wing it when it comes up, and never question her new opinion on anything.

- If she doesn't think you're interested in the same things she is, she will give you hell about it. Regardless of what she's into, she's going to want to talk to you about it, and she's going to expect some sort of intelligent response. The key here is, she has to think you care about this crap. Learn just enough about it to be able to fake a short conversation and when it comes up, throw in what little you know, make up the rest, and try to change the conversation quickly.

- She will never understand sports. She may ask you a question here and there, but she cares as much about sports as you do her silly interests. She will listen to your answer, but before you spend 30 minutes explaining the benefits of the zone defense, remember that she has absolutely no idea what you're talking about and wouldn't care if she did. Save yourself some trouble. Give her a quick answer, pretend to be truly touched by her interest and with any luck the whole ordeal won't take longer than one commercial break.

- You cannot convince her that her mother is wrong. It will never happen. You can be sure that she will consult her mother on every single decision she makes, and you can also be sure that what ever her mother says may as well come from Jesus himself. Unless it is concerning a topic of real importance, don't waste your time. Do you really care what color the curtains are? No, it's just not worth the effort to argue that. Now, if her mother is telling her that you two should move closer to her parents, that is worth arguing. Of course, if that is really an issue, you have bigger problems anyway.

- She will try to change you. I know that when you were dating she told you she liked you just the way you are, and she wouldn't change a thing, and I also know that you believed her. Guess what- that was bullshit. There are things she will want to change, and she will make one hell of an effort to do so. Now, no one can really advise you on this one, you're pretty much on your own. Beware of big changes and avoid them at all costs. However, if all she is asking is that you tuck your shirt in and shave when you take her out, you may decide that’s not a huge deal and may wind up being worth the payoff. But only if she's really hot.

The problem with successfully living in Crazyland is that you pretty much have to go at it all by yourself. There is no definitive manual, and no guaranteed method because all women are different, and they all have their own big fat cup of crazy that you will have to contend with. However, at some point you will have to figure this out, because most women do insist on the unfortunate stipulation that sex is tied to a relationship. Damn.

The Ugly Friend

We're all familiar with being single and having a constant string of friends insist on setting us up with someone. It may be a buddy whose girlfriend has a friend that is "really nice" or a female friend of your own who has someone that is "just perfect for you." We all know the rest of this story. You meet said friend while she may have that great personality, she's about as attractive as a mud fence. Why does this happen? Why is it that we are continually besieged by set-ups turned horribly, horribly wrong? The answer my friends is simple. The Ugly Friend Theory.

The Ugly Friend Theory is quite simple really. All women are incredibly vain, while at the same time incredibly self conscious. Therefore, a woman always has at least one friend who is far less attractive than herself, so that anytime she is feeling down, she can think "At least I'm prettier than my friend Ugly Girl." Now, while Attractive Girl is certainly using Ugly Girl, she is still her friend and feels it her duty to help Ugly Girl find someone. This is where you enter the picture. You have the unfortunate position of being single and being the friend of Attractive Girl, or perhaps Attractive Girl's boyfriend. This alone makes you a perfect match for Ugly Girl, and every effort will be made to set you up with her. Of course it’s a situation you would much prefer to avoid, as there really is no good way out of it. You can't exactly tell Attractive Girl why you don't want to date her friend, and God help you if you actually do wind up on a date with her or, even worse, a double date with you and the couple who set you up with this she-beast. There's a nice fairy tale ending waiting to happen. Your friends both want to know what you thought of Ugly Girl and when you'll be calling her and then they’ll be offended when you never do.

The solution to this problem is simple. Avoid the set-up at all costs, as no good will ever come of it. You will find yourself in an abolutely miserable position, and you will probably be forced to kill your friend just to have some peace about the whole mess. If you ever find yourself actually lonely enough to consider the set up, just do what the rest of us do and go find your self a nice, old fashioned bar whore.

The Code

Men live by a code. This code governs every aspect of our lives. All men should know and understand this code, but it is generally unwritten and unspoken. So for the good of men everywhere, here is The Code as I believe it to be.


-There is absolutely no conversation necessary in the men's room. Eyes forward, no talking, leave at least one urinal between you and the next guy whenever possible.
-Ex-girlfriends of you buddies are absolutely off limits. The only exception is if he gives you permission, but you may not ask for it.
-Sisters of your buddies are also off limits. There are no exceptions.
-When asked to help a friend move, the only legitimate excuse is death. When asked to help a friend of a friend move, any excuse is legitimate.
-The only required compensation for friends who help you move is beer, and the accepted rate is one 6 pack per buddy per day.
-If your friend is getting his ass kicked, you are duty bound to step in and help him. However, if this friend gets your ass kicked in the process, you are allowed to return the favor.
-When a friend is about to cheat on his girlfriend while he's drunk, you have to make one attempt at stopping him. If he is sober enough to stand up unsupported and tell you to fuck off, you are relieved of all responsibility.
-You are forever sworn to secrecy about any and all activities taking place at a bachelor party.
-Under no circumstances may you consume any beverage that comes with a tiny umbrella.
-You are required to be prepared to perform wingman duty on a moment's notice.
-When a buddy’s relationship ends, you are required to drop absolutely everything to take him out and drink her away.
-You may bitch about the temperature of free beer, but never the brand.
-Never share an umbrella with another guy.
-On second thought, never use an umbrella period, you pussy.
-You must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours, unless he slept with your ex or your sister in which case you must bail him out within 24 hours.
-When waiting on a guy who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes.
-When waiting on a girl who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness you give her on a scale of 1-10.
-If another guy’s fly is unzipped, he’s on his own. Do you really want to point out to him and everyone else in earshot that you were looking at his crotch?
-If you fart on a woman in bed and then pull the covers up over her head, she is officially your girlfriend.
-The fact that you feel weird and uncomfortable after sex with your ex is no reason not to do her one more time before discussing what a huge mistake it was.
-When trying to decide who to side with in an argument between 2 women, always follow the booty principle – Which of the 2 do you stand the best chance of getting some booty from?
-Never, ever wear a Speedo.
-You can cheat on your taxes, on your resume, and at golf. You cannot cheat at poker, pool, or darts.
-Always adhere to the standard rules of shotgun.
-Guys do not cry. Exceptions- your team wins the World Series, when Old Yeller dies.
-Cheer for your local sports teams regardless of how bad they are.
-The Yankees suck.

Baseball

I love baseball. Men everywhere love baseball. Baseball is not just the national pastime, it’s the male pastime. We can sit and watch baseball for hours at time, even if we have no interest in the teams that are playing. We will pay $29 for a ticket to watch our team in person. And next year, when ticket prices are raised again, what will we do? Pass me my $6 hot dog, because I’m still going. Why do we do this? It’s not because we agree with putting more money in the owner’s pocket, or because we think players deserve $20 million a year, but because we love the game.

What is it about baseball that appeals to us so much? There are certainly a lot of reasons, but for the most part I think I think it’s pretty simple. Baseball is simply ingrained into our culture. We’ve all grown up knowing who Babe Ruth and Cy Young were, and wholeheartedly buying into the whole baseball and apple pie picture of America. Also, baseball played major role in our childhoods. We all played tee ball, we all remember the day our dad brought home our first glove, and we all still have a shoe box full of baseball cards. Our obsession with the sport goes beyond mere nostalgia however. I think it has to do more with how baseball appeals to the dreamer in us all. Baseball highlights the individual player unlike any other sport and it offers more opportunities for greatness. There have been plenty of shutouts in football, but have you ever heard of a team holding the opposition to 0 offensive yards? It has never happened, but there have been 17 official perfect games in baseball history. No football player has ever snapped the ball to himself, thrown a pass, and then run under it for a touchdown. But there have been 13 unassisted triple plays in baseball. I believe this opportunity for individual greatness, even if only for a moment, is a large part of why we love the game.

As true as all this is, the primary reason that we love baseball is even more profound. Baseball reminds us of life. Baseball, like life, is very imperfect. Things never seem to go quite like we want them to, and the outcome can change in a heartbeat. The difference however, is that baseball is accepted as such. A hitter that manages to get 3 hits every 10 at bats is almost guaranteed to make it to the hall of fame. A field goal kicker that only made 3 out of 10 would be unemployed. What would our lives be like if the endless pursuit of perfection was gone, and it was accepted that a success rate of 30% numbered us among the very best. I think we would be much less stressed and as a result, happier and healthier. We relate to this imperfection. Baseball doesn’t so much imitate life as it idealizes what we wish life could be. Because no matter how imperfect a game you play on the field, and no matter how badly the game goes, you know you will always get your turn at bat. If only life was so simple.

Hold The Lime

Anyone who has ever ordered a Corona beer knows that it is typically served with a slice of lime. Ask your average beer drinker why this is, and you'll get one of a myriad of answers. Some will tell you that it is because the beer is brewed in Mexico and that the citric acid in the lime will kill the microorganisms in Mexican water that can have unfortunate effects on the human digestive system. Some will just cop out and say “because that's how it's served.” And some will give the most pitiful answer of them all: that the lime neutralizes the bitter taste of the beer.

But before we go into those excuses, let’s get a few things straight. First of all, no self-respecting man ever puts fruit in a perfectly good beer. Second, the Mexican piss water known as Corona is barely beer at all. That aside, it is pretty good with Mexican food, and it does tend to be the drink of choice with such dining. But if you’re going to drink it, be a man and have the waitress hold the damn lime.

But what about all the reasons in favor of the lime? We’ll deal with those in proper order. First of all, the idea of using lime to kill microorganisms is just plain wrong. The water treatment phase of the brewing process eliminates the microorganisms that cause disturbing illnesses, so the dangers associated with drinking Mexican water do not apply to Corona. You will not get amoebic dysentery. And even if the beer wasn’t safe, did you really think one little slice of lime was going to save you from a week of the shits? The “that’s just how it’s served” excuse, on the other hand, is flat-out weak. Just because the bartender typically serves Corona with a lime doesn't mean you have to drink it that way. You can get it any way you want it, that’s why it’s called “ordering.” And finally the reasoning that the lime neutralizes the bitterness is just stupid. Guess what? Some beers are bitter. They are supposed to taste that way. Beer is an acquired taste. So if you think that any beer is too bitter to be drunk without a lime in it, peek into your shorts and find a pair, or save yourself the trouble and order a damn wine cooler.

The point is simple, do not ever, ever, under any circumstances, put fruit in a beer. If you can't drink Corona without a lime, order something you can handle and leave the fruity drinks to your girlfriend. Be a man, and remember my mantra "Hold the Lime." Repeat that to yourself a few times, it gets easier. Otherwise, next thing you know you'll be ordering a Zima and putting Jolly Ranchers in it, and nobody wants to be that guy.

Intro

There are very few things that don’t come with instruction manuals. Our cars, our TV’s, and even our checkbooks come with a set of instructions, telling us how to operate them. So why is it that life doesn’t come with one? We are all simply forced to make do on our own, and often times the result is eerily reminiscent of a VCR that constantly flashes 12:00. I see this as simply unacceptable. There should be some a definitive set of instructions to help guys live their lives as true men should. A collection of miscellaneous ramblings that will if nothing else provide some humor and a little perspective here and there. That is what I'm trying to create here. I'm taking my life experiences, combining them with the advice of wise men I've met along the way, throwing in the occasional doody joke, and hoping the end result will be an inspiration to men everywhere, as well as being pretty damn funny.

Now, as a standard disclaimer, it should be understood that the articles I write and post on this blog are intended to be humorous. That being said, some of the things that I say may tend to straddle the line between funny and offensive. However, there is no reason for anyone to get their drawers all in a twist. If you get offended, there is a simple solution: stop reading. If you get offended and continue reading, then you’re just a dumbass and beyond help anyway

Origins

Several years ago, my best friend and I discussed writing a book. Our idea was to take all facets of male life, and compile them into one condensed volume. An instruction guide to life as a man, if you will, tentatively titled The MANual. We brainstormed on and off about this for several years, and one night 4 years ago, it truly began to take shape. We were sitting around with several friends and began drinking. As it happened, the only beer in the apartment was Corona. When the host brought us all the first round, in typical fashion every bottle had a lime wedge stuck in it. I made a joking comment about how no self respecting man would ever put fruit in his beer, and it sparked a conversation about what else no man should ever do. We realized that we had something, that this was the catalyst to bring our book to fruition. Over the next week or so, the idea morphed from a book to a website. We would take all the individual chapters we wanted to include in the book, make them stand alone articles, and publish them on the web site. The website would be titled "Hold The Lime", in reverance to the idea that truly got it rolling, and what became the first article.

As time went on, the enthusiasm faded. A few attempts were made to get everything going, but life kept getting in the way. Here we are now, 4 years later, and all that is left to show of what was once an absolute obsession are the articles I had written. In that time, the articles have become dated to some degree, in the sense that I am not the same person I was when I originally wrote them. In the time that has passed, I have gotten married, started a family, and become the responsible adult that I never thought possible. I continually revist the articles, though, and still have the desire to complete this project, which I will now do through this blog. I will finally publish all the old stuff, and begin to write new ones.

Enjoy.

V