Things We Wish You Knew

Those of you who have read any of my previous ramblings know that my primary audience is guys. This one is different. This article is written with a female audience in mind. There are things in this world that every guy accepts as truth, sometimes even as gospel, and we all truly wish that women understood them. So as a public service to men everywhere, I'm going lay it all out on the table in the and try to teach you a thing or two. Pay attention, and take notes as necessary.

-Try to be just a little considerate. If you have something to say during a game, save it for a commercial.
-Marco Polo didn't stop for directions. Neither will we. Ever.
-When the oil light in your car comes on, we want to know sooner, not later.
-We don't remember what day it is, and we don't care. If it's important, put it on the calendar.
-Baseball is not “just a game”. Checkers is a game. Learn the difference.
-If you ask us a question you do not want answered, you will get an answer you do not want.
-If you think your ass is getting bigger, it probably is. See the previous statement before asking us about it.
-We are not always thinking about you. Just accept it.
-Stop asking what we are thinking. It is always sex, food, beer, or sports.
-Your ex boyfriend is a dumbass. We don't care what he would think. The same is probably true of your brother and your Dad.
-Sunday afternoons are for naps and football. That's just the way it is.
-If there are 2 ways to interpret something we say, we mean the way that doesn't offend you.
-There are 162 games in a baseball season, and yes we have to watch them all.
-If you don't want the genie to come out, don't rub the damn lamp.
-You can work the toilet seat just as easily as we can.
-The black shoes you want us to look at in the mall will always look just like the ones in your closet.
-We never get subtle hints. Just tell us what you want.
-A simple yes or no is a perfectly acceptable answer. We really won't be upset if you don't explain in detail.
-The words "fine" and "whatever" are never acceptable ways to end a conversation.
-We don't care if you fake it. We just don't want to know about it.
-You can ask us to do something or you can tell us how to do it. You cannot do both.
-Yes we have to fart, and yes it will always be funny.
-Just because you care what your Mom thinks doesn't mean we do.
-What you are wearing is fine. It will always be fine.
-Don't ask us to clean the toilet and we won't ask you to mow the grass.
-If you make out with another chick, we don't consider it cheating. Actually, we encourage it.
-Cotton shorts and a tank top will always be hotter than anything you can buy at Victoria's Secret
-Peeing standing up is far more difficult than peeing at point blank range. We are going to miss once in a while.
-Is it really all that difficult to have the bra and panties match?

What were you expecting, some deep, emotional Freudian discussion? That's it. All very simple, but all very important. Now you know.