At some point in every man's life, he moves past just dating a woman and into an actual relationship. Yes, relationships, that ugly "R" word that changes all the rules we were so familiar with. It is easy to make the mistake that a relationship is just something that happens when you've been dating the same person for a while. That assumption however, is incorrect. That is simply the proper setting. A relationship is a complex paradigm all it's own that alters every single thing you thought you knew about women. You begin to see things about her that she hid so well during the dating phase. You begin seeing the annoying habits, the silly compulsions, and the beginnings of her insanity. You've now entered a place that I like to call Crazyland, and there are things you will need to know in order to survive here. Here are some of the big ones, in no particular order.
- Women are insane. All of them. Your girlfriend is not the exception to this rule, no matter how much you want her to be. You can continue telling your friends that she’s different, she doesn’t play the typical games, but they know the truth, we all do. Some women are better at hiding the crazy than others, but it’s there nonetheless, and it will come out at some point. That point will most likely be after you are in way over your head.
- Every day is brand new day. What may have been true yesterday is not necessarily so today. She can, and more importantly WILL, change her mind about some mundane detail at any given time, with no apparent reason. Just because she ordered a steak for dinner last week does not mean she isn't a vegetarian today. As annoying as this phenomenon can be, it only gets worse. You are expected to know not only when these changes take place, you must also know and understand why. There is no magic solution to this one, your best bet is to just wing it when it comes up, and never question her new opinion on anything.
- If she doesn't think you're interested in the same things she is, she will give you hell about it. Regardless of what she's into, she's going to want to talk to you about it, and she's going to expect some sort of intelligent response. The key here is, she has to think you care about this crap. Learn just enough about it to be able to fake a short conversation and when it comes up, throw in what little you know, make up the rest, and try to change the conversation quickly.
- She will never understand sports. She may ask you a question here and there, but she cares as much about sports as you do her silly interests. She will listen to your answer, but before you spend 30 minutes explaining the benefits of the zone defense, remember that she has absolutely no idea what you're talking about and wouldn't care if she did. Save yourself some trouble. Give her a quick answer, pretend to be truly touched by her interest and with any luck the whole ordeal won't take longer than one commercial break.
- You cannot convince her that her mother is wrong. It will never happen. You can be sure that she will consult her mother on every single decision she makes, and you can also be sure that what ever her mother says may as well come from Jesus himself. Unless it is concerning a topic of real importance, don't waste your time. Do you really care what color the curtains are? No, it's just not worth the effort to argue that. Now, if her mother is telling her that you two should move closer to her parents, that is worth arguing. Of course, if that is really an issue, you have bigger problems anyway.
- She will try to change you. I know that when you were dating she told you she liked you just the way you are, and she wouldn't change a thing, and I also know that you believed her. Guess what- that was bullshit. There are things she will want to change, and she will make one hell of an effort to do so. Now, no one can really advise you on this one, you're pretty much on your own. Beware of big changes and avoid them at all costs. However, if all she is asking is that you tuck your shirt in and shave when you take her out, you may decide that’s not a huge deal and may wind up being worth the payoff. But only if she's really hot.
The problem with successfully living in Crazyland is that you pretty much have to go at it all by yourself. There is no definitive manual, and no guaranteed method because all women are different, and they all have their own big fat cup of crazy that you will have to contend with. However, at some point you will have to figure this out, because most women do insist on the unfortunate stipulation that sex is tied to a relationship. Damn.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Ugly Friend
We're all familiar with being single and having a constant string of friends insist on setting us up with someone. It may be a buddy whose girlfriend has a friend that is "really nice" or a female friend of your own who has someone that is "just perfect for you." We all know the rest of this story. You meet said friend while she may have that great personality, she's about as attractive as a mud fence. Why does this happen? Why is it that we are continually besieged by set-ups turned horribly, horribly wrong? The answer my friends is simple. The Ugly Friend Theory.
The Ugly Friend Theory is quite simple really. All women are incredibly vain, while at the same time incredibly self conscious. Therefore, a woman always has at least one friend who is far less attractive than herself, so that anytime she is feeling down, she can think "At least I'm prettier than my friend Ugly Girl." Now, while Attractive Girl is certainly using Ugly Girl, she is still her friend and feels it her duty to help Ugly Girl find someone. This is where you enter the picture. You have the unfortunate position of being single and being the friend of Attractive Girl, or perhaps Attractive Girl's boyfriend. This alone makes you a perfect match for Ugly Girl, and every effort will be made to set you up with her. Of course it’s a situation you would much prefer to avoid, as there really is no good way out of it. You can't exactly tell Attractive Girl why you don't want to date her friend, and God help you if you actually do wind up on a date with her or, even worse, a double date with you and the couple who set you up with this she-beast. There's a nice fairy tale ending waiting to happen. Your friends both want to know what you thought of Ugly Girl and when you'll be calling her and then they’ll be offended when you never do.
The solution to this problem is simple. Avoid the set-up at all costs, as no good will ever come of it. You will find yourself in an abolutely miserable position, and you will probably be forced to kill your friend just to have some peace about the whole mess. If you ever find yourself actually lonely enough to consider the set up, just do what the rest of us do and go find your self a nice, old fashioned bar whore.
The Ugly Friend Theory is quite simple really. All women are incredibly vain, while at the same time incredibly self conscious. Therefore, a woman always has at least one friend who is far less attractive than herself, so that anytime she is feeling down, she can think "At least I'm prettier than my friend Ugly Girl." Now, while Attractive Girl is certainly using Ugly Girl, she is still her friend and feels it her duty to help Ugly Girl find someone. This is where you enter the picture. You have the unfortunate position of being single and being the friend of Attractive Girl, or perhaps Attractive Girl's boyfriend. This alone makes you a perfect match for Ugly Girl, and every effort will be made to set you up with her. Of course it’s a situation you would much prefer to avoid, as there really is no good way out of it. You can't exactly tell Attractive Girl why you don't want to date her friend, and God help you if you actually do wind up on a date with her or, even worse, a double date with you and the couple who set you up with this she-beast. There's a nice fairy tale ending waiting to happen. Your friends both want to know what you thought of Ugly Girl and when you'll be calling her and then they’ll be offended when you never do.
The solution to this problem is simple. Avoid the set-up at all costs, as no good will ever come of it. You will find yourself in an abolutely miserable position, and you will probably be forced to kill your friend just to have some peace about the whole mess. If you ever find yourself actually lonely enough to consider the set up, just do what the rest of us do and go find your self a nice, old fashioned bar whore.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
The Code
Men live by a code. This code governs every aspect of our lives. All men should know and understand this code, but it is generally unwritten and unspoken. So for the good of men everywhere, here is The Code as I believe it to be.
-There is absolutely no conversation necessary in the men's room. Eyes forward, no talking, leave at least one urinal between you and the next guy whenever possible.
-Ex-girlfriends of you buddies are absolutely off limits. The only exception is if he gives you permission, but you may not ask for it.
-Sisters of your buddies are also off limits. There are no exceptions.
-When asked to help a friend move, the only legitimate excuse is death. When asked to help a friend of a friend move, any excuse is legitimate.
-The only required compensation for friends who help you move is beer, and the accepted rate is one 6 pack per buddy per day.
-If your friend is getting his ass kicked, you are duty bound to step in and help him. However, if this friend gets your ass kicked in the process, you are allowed to return the favor.
-When a friend is about to cheat on his girlfriend while he's drunk, you have to make one attempt at stopping him. If he is sober enough to stand up unsupported and tell you to fuck off, you are relieved of all responsibility.
-You are forever sworn to secrecy about any and all activities taking place at a bachelor party.
-Under no circumstances may you consume any beverage that comes with a tiny umbrella.
-You are required to be prepared to perform wingman duty on a moment's notice.
-When a buddy’s relationship ends, you are required to drop absolutely everything to take him out and drink her away.
-You may bitch about the temperature of free beer, but never the brand.
-Never share an umbrella with another guy.
-On second thought, never use an umbrella period, you pussy.
-You must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours, unless he slept with your ex or your sister in which case you must bail him out within 24 hours.
-When waiting on a guy who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes.
-When waiting on a girl who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness you give her on a scale of 1-10.
-If another guy’s fly is unzipped, he’s on his own. Do you really want to point out to him and everyone else in earshot that you were looking at his crotch?
-If you fart on a woman in bed and then pull the covers up over her head, she is officially your girlfriend.
-The fact that you feel weird and uncomfortable after sex with your ex is no reason not to do her one more time before discussing what a huge mistake it was.
-When trying to decide who to side with in an argument between 2 women, always follow the booty principle – Which of the 2 do you stand the best chance of getting some booty from?
-Never, ever wear a Speedo.
-You can cheat on your taxes, on your resume, and at golf. You cannot cheat at poker, pool, or darts.
-Always adhere to the standard rules of shotgun.
-Guys do not cry. Exceptions- your team wins the World Series, when Old Yeller dies.
-Cheer for your local sports teams regardless of how bad they are.
-The Yankees suck.
-There is absolutely no conversation necessary in the men's room. Eyes forward, no talking, leave at least one urinal between you and the next guy whenever possible.
-Ex-girlfriends of you buddies are absolutely off limits. The only exception is if he gives you permission, but you may not ask for it.
-Sisters of your buddies are also off limits. There are no exceptions.
-When asked to help a friend move, the only legitimate excuse is death. When asked to help a friend of a friend move, any excuse is legitimate.
-The only required compensation for friends who help you move is beer, and the accepted rate is one 6 pack per buddy per day.
-If your friend is getting his ass kicked, you are duty bound to step in and help him. However, if this friend gets your ass kicked in the process, you are allowed to return the favor.
-When a friend is about to cheat on his girlfriend while he's drunk, you have to make one attempt at stopping him. If he is sober enough to stand up unsupported and tell you to fuck off, you are relieved of all responsibility.
-You are forever sworn to secrecy about any and all activities taking place at a bachelor party.
-Under no circumstances may you consume any beverage that comes with a tiny umbrella.
-You are required to be prepared to perform wingman duty on a moment's notice.
-When a buddy’s relationship ends, you are required to drop absolutely everything to take him out and drink her away.
-You may bitch about the temperature of free beer, but never the brand.
-Never share an umbrella with another guy.
-On second thought, never use an umbrella period, you pussy.
-You must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours, unless he slept with your ex or your sister in which case you must bail him out within 24 hours.
-When waiting on a guy who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes.
-When waiting on a girl who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness you give her on a scale of 1-10.
-If another guy’s fly is unzipped, he’s on his own. Do you really want to point out to him and everyone else in earshot that you were looking at his crotch?
-If you fart on a woman in bed and then pull the covers up over her head, she is officially your girlfriend.
-The fact that you feel weird and uncomfortable after sex with your ex is no reason not to do her one more time before discussing what a huge mistake it was.
-When trying to decide who to side with in an argument between 2 women, always follow the booty principle – Which of the 2 do you stand the best chance of getting some booty from?
-Never, ever wear a Speedo.
-You can cheat on your taxes, on your resume, and at golf. You cannot cheat at poker, pool, or darts.
-Always adhere to the standard rules of shotgun.
-Guys do not cry. Exceptions- your team wins the World Series, when Old Yeller dies.
-Cheer for your local sports teams regardless of how bad they are.
-The Yankees suck.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Baseball
I love baseball. Men everywhere love baseball. Baseball is not just the national pastime, it’s the male pastime. We can sit and watch baseball for hours at time, even if we have no interest in the teams that are playing. We will pay $29 for a ticket to watch our team in person. And next year, when ticket prices are raised again, what will we do? Pass me my $6 hot dog, because I’m still going. Why do we do this? It’s not because we agree with putting more money in the owner’s pocket, or because we think players deserve $20 million a year, but because we love the game.
What is it about baseball that appeals to us so much? There are certainly a lot of reasons, but for the most part I think I think it’s pretty simple. Baseball is simply ingrained into our culture. We’ve all grown up knowing who Babe Ruth and Cy Young were, and wholeheartedly buying into the whole baseball and apple pie picture of America. Also, baseball played major role in our childhoods. We all played tee ball, we all remember the day our dad brought home our first glove, and we all still have a shoe box full of baseball cards. Our obsession with the sport goes beyond mere nostalgia however. I think it has to do more with how baseball appeals to the dreamer in us all. Baseball highlights the individual player unlike any other sport and it offers more opportunities for greatness. There have been plenty of shutouts in football, but have you ever heard of a team holding the opposition to 0 offensive yards? It has never happened, but there have been 17 official perfect games in baseball history. No football player has ever snapped the ball to himself, thrown a pass, and then run under it for a touchdown. But there have been 13 unassisted triple plays in baseball. I believe this opportunity for individual greatness, even if only for a moment, is a large part of why we love the game.
As true as all this is, the primary reason that we love baseball is even more profound. Baseball reminds us of life. Baseball, like life, is very imperfect. Things never seem to go quite like we want them to, and the outcome can change in a heartbeat. The difference however, is that baseball is accepted as such. A hitter that manages to get 3 hits every 10 at bats is almost guaranteed to make it to the hall of fame. A field goal kicker that only made 3 out of 10 would be unemployed. What would our lives be like if the endless pursuit of perfection was gone, and it was accepted that a success rate of 30% numbered us among the very best. I think we would be much less stressed and as a result, happier and healthier. We relate to this imperfection. Baseball doesn’t so much imitate life as it idealizes what we wish life could be. Because no matter how imperfect a game you play on the field, and no matter how badly the game goes, you know you will always get your turn at bat. If only life was so simple.
What is it about baseball that appeals to us so much? There are certainly a lot of reasons, but for the most part I think I think it’s pretty simple. Baseball is simply ingrained into our culture. We’ve all grown up knowing who Babe Ruth and Cy Young were, and wholeheartedly buying into the whole baseball and apple pie picture of America. Also, baseball played major role in our childhoods. We all played tee ball, we all remember the day our dad brought home our first glove, and we all still have a shoe box full of baseball cards. Our obsession with the sport goes beyond mere nostalgia however. I think it has to do more with how baseball appeals to the dreamer in us all. Baseball highlights the individual player unlike any other sport and it offers more opportunities for greatness. There have been plenty of shutouts in football, but have you ever heard of a team holding the opposition to 0 offensive yards? It has never happened, but there have been 17 official perfect games in baseball history. No football player has ever snapped the ball to himself, thrown a pass, and then run under it for a touchdown. But there have been 13 unassisted triple plays in baseball. I believe this opportunity for individual greatness, even if only for a moment, is a large part of why we love the game.
As true as all this is, the primary reason that we love baseball is even more profound. Baseball reminds us of life. Baseball, like life, is very imperfect. Things never seem to go quite like we want them to, and the outcome can change in a heartbeat. The difference however, is that baseball is accepted as such. A hitter that manages to get 3 hits every 10 at bats is almost guaranteed to make it to the hall of fame. A field goal kicker that only made 3 out of 10 would be unemployed. What would our lives be like if the endless pursuit of perfection was gone, and it was accepted that a success rate of 30% numbered us among the very best. I think we would be much less stressed and as a result, happier and healthier. We relate to this imperfection. Baseball doesn’t so much imitate life as it idealizes what we wish life could be. Because no matter how imperfect a game you play on the field, and no matter how badly the game goes, you know you will always get your turn at bat. If only life was so simple.
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