The Code

Men live by a code. This code governs every aspect of our lives. All men should know and understand this code, but it is generally unwritten and unspoken. So for the good of men everywhere, here is The Code as I believe it to be.


-There is absolutely no conversation necessary in the men's room. Eyes forward, no talking, leave at least one urinal between you and the next guy whenever possible.
-Ex-girlfriends of you buddies are absolutely off limits. The only exception is if he gives you permission, but you may not ask for it.
-Sisters of your buddies are also off limits. There are no exceptions.
-When asked to help a friend move, the only legitimate excuse is death. When asked to help a friend of a friend move, any excuse is legitimate.
-The only required compensation for friends who help you move is beer, and the accepted rate is one 6 pack per buddy per day.
-If your friend is getting his ass kicked, you are duty bound to step in and help him. However, if this friend gets your ass kicked in the process, you are allowed to return the favor.
-When a friend is about to cheat on his girlfriend while he's drunk, you have to make one attempt at stopping him. If he is sober enough to stand up unsupported and tell you to fuck off, you are relieved of all responsibility.
-You are forever sworn to secrecy about any and all activities taking place at a bachelor party.
-Under no circumstances may you consume any beverage that comes with a tiny umbrella.
-You are required to be prepared to perform wingman duty on a moment's notice.
-When a buddy’s relationship ends, you are required to drop absolutely everything to take him out and drink her away.
-You may bitch about the temperature of free beer, but never the brand.
-Never share an umbrella with another guy.
-On second thought, never use an umbrella period, you pussy.
-You must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours, unless he slept with your ex or your sister in which case you must bail him out within 24 hours.
-When waiting on a guy who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes.
-When waiting on a girl who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness you give her on a scale of 1-10.
-If another guy’s fly is unzipped, he’s on his own. Do you really want to point out to him and everyone else in earshot that you were looking at his crotch?
-If you fart on a woman in bed and then pull the covers up over her head, she is officially your girlfriend.
-The fact that you feel weird and uncomfortable after sex with your ex is no reason not to do her one more time before discussing what a huge mistake it was.
-When trying to decide who to side with in an argument between 2 women, always follow the booty principle – Which of the 2 do you stand the best chance of getting some booty from?
-Never, ever wear a Speedo.
-You can cheat on your taxes, on your resume, and at golf. You cannot cheat at poker, pool, or darts.
-Always adhere to the standard rules of shotgun.
-Guys do not cry. Exceptions- your team wins the World Series, when Old Yeller dies.
-Cheer for your local sports teams regardless of how bad they are.
-The Yankees suck.