The Ugly Friend

We're all familiar with being single and having a constant string of friends insist on setting us up with someone. It may be a buddy whose girlfriend has a friend that is "really nice" or a female friend of your own who has someone that is "just perfect for you." We all know the rest of this story. You meet said friend while she may have that great personality, she's about as attractive as a mud fence. Why does this happen? Why is it that we are continually besieged by set-ups turned horribly, horribly wrong? The answer my friends is simple. The Ugly Friend Theory.

The Ugly Friend Theory is quite simple really. All women are incredibly vain, while at the same time incredibly self conscious. Therefore, a woman always has at least one friend who is far less attractive than herself, so that anytime she is feeling down, she can think "At least I'm prettier than my friend Ugly Girl." Now, while Attractive Girl is certainly using Ugly Girl, she is still her friend and feels it her duty to help Ugly Girl find someone. This is where you enter the picture. You have the unfortunate position of being single and being the friend of Attractive Girl, or perhaps Attractive Girl's boyfriend. This alone makes you a perfect match for Ugly Girl, and every effort will be made to set you up with her. Of course it’s a situation you would much prefer to avoid, as there really is no good way out of it. You can't exactly tell Attractive Girl why you don't want to date her friend, and God help you if you actually do wind up on a date with her or, even worse, a double date with you and the couple who set you up with this she-beast. There's a nice fairy tale ending waiting to happen. Your friends both want to know what you thought of Ugly Girl and when you'll be calling her and then they’ll be offended when you never do.

The solution to this problem is simple. Avoid the set-up at all costs, as no good will ever come of it. You will find yourself in an abolutely miserable position, and you will probably be forced to kill your friend just to have some peace about the whole mess. If you ever find yourself actually lonely enough to consider the set up, just do what the rest of us do and go find your self a nice, old fashioned bar whore.