Hold The Lime

Anyone who has ever ordered a Corona beer knows that it is typically served with a slice of lime. Ask your average beer drinker why this is, and you'll get one of a myriad of answers. Some will tell you that it is because the beer is brewed in Mexico and that the citric acid in the lime will kill the microorganisms in Mexican water that can have unfortunate effects on the human digestive system. Some will just cop out and say “because that's how it's served.” And some will give the most pitiful answer of them all: that the lime neutralizes the bitter taste of the beer.

But before we go into those excuses, let’s get a few things straight. First of all, no self-respecting man ever puts fruit in a perfectly good beer. Second, the Mexican piss water known as Corona is barely beer at all. That aside, it is pretty good with Mexican food, and it does tend to be the drink of choice with such dining. But if you’re going to drink it, be a man and have the waitress hold the damn lime.

But what about all the reasons in favor of the lime? We’ll deal with those in proper order. First of all, the idea of using lime to kill microorganisms is just plain wrong. The water treatment phase of the brewing process eliminates the microorganisms that cause disturbing illnesses, so the dangers associated with drinking Mexican water do not apply to Corona. You will not get amoebic dysentery. And even if the beer wasn’t safe, did you really think one little slice of lime was going to save you from a week of the shits? The “that’s just how it’s served” excuse, on the other hand, is flat-out weak. Just because the bartender typically serves Corona with a lime doesn't mean you have to drink it that way. You can get it any way you want it, that’s why it’s called “ordering.” And finally the reasoning that the lime neutralizes the bitterness is just stupid. Guess what? Some beers are bitter. They are supposed to taste that way. Beer is an acquired taste. So if you think that any beer is too bitter to be drunk without a lime in it, peek into your shorts and find a pair, or save yourself the trouble and order a damn wine cooler.

The point is simple, do not ever, ever, under any circumstances, put fruit in a beer. If you can't drink Corona without a lime, order something you can handle and leave the fruity drinks to your girlfriend. Be a man, and remember my mantra "Hold the Lime." Repeat that to yourself a few times, it gets easier. Otherwise, next thing you know you'll be ordering a Zima and putting Jolly Ranchers in it, and nobody wants to be that guy.

Intro

There are very few things that don’t come with instruction manuals. Our cars, our TV’s, and even our checkbooks come with a set of instructions, telling us how to operate them. So why is it that life doesn’t come with one? We are all simply forced to make do on our own, and often times the result is eerily reminiscent of a VCR that constantly flashes 12:00. I see this as simply unacceptable. There should be some a definitive set of instructions to help guys live their lives as true men should. A collection of miscellaneous ramblings that will if nothing else provide some humor and a little perspective here and there. That is what I'm trying to create here. I'm taking my life experiences, combining them with the advice of wise men I've met along the way, throwing in the occasional doody joke, and hoping the end result will be an inspiration to men everywhere, as well as being pretty damn funny.

Now, as a standard disclaimer, it should be understood that the articles I write and post on this blog are intended to be humorous. That being said, some of the things that I say may tend to straddle the line between funny and offensive. However, there is no reason for anyone to get their drawers all in a twist. If you get offended, there is a simple solution: stop reading. If you get offended and continue reading, then you’re just a dumbass and beyond help anyway

Origins

Several years ago, my best friend and I discussed writing a book. Our idea was to take all facets of male life, and compile them into one condensed volume. An instruction guide to life as a man, if you will, tentatively titled The MANual. We brainstormed on and off about this for several years, and one night 4 years ago, it truly began to take shape. We were sitting around with several friends and began drinking. As it happened, the only beer in the apartment was Corona. When the host brought us all the first round, in typical fashion every bottle had a lime wedge stuck in it. I made a joking comment about how no self respecting man would ever put fruit in his beer, and it sparked a conversation about what else no man should ever do. We realized that we had something, that this was the catalyst to bring our book to fruition. Over the next week or so, the idea morphed from a book to a website. We would take all the individual chapters we wanted to include in the book, make them stand alone articles, and publish them on the web site. The website would be titled "Hold The Lime", in reverance to the idea that truly got it rolling, and what became the first article.

As time went on, the enthusiasm faded. A few attempts were made to get everything going, but life kept getting in the way. Here we are now, 4 years later, and all that is left to show of what was once an absolute obsession are the articles I had written. In that time, the articles have become dated to some degree, in the sense that I am not the same person I was when I originally wrote them. In the time that has passed, I have gotten married, started a family, and become the responsible adult that I never thought possible. I continually revist the articles, though, and still have the desire to complete this project, which I will now do through this blog. I will finally publish all the old stuff, and begin to write new ones.

Enjoy.

V