Letter To Me

If you could write a letter and send it back in time to yourself, what would you say? Let’s be a little realistic (despite the fact that we are talking about time travel) and assume you can’t send yourself stock tips or lottery numbers. Would you be practical or downright greedy? The possibilities are endless, and for me a several ideas come to mind.

September 22, 1995 “Watch out for the weakside linebacker blitz. If he hits you, your left knee is never going to be the same.”

November 4, 1998 “Stop drinking a half hour earlier, this hangover is going to be bad enough as it is, and the girl turns out to be an ugo."

July 12, 2001. “That blonde in the corner at Spyro, yes she’s looking at you, and you really need to go talk to her.”

July 13, 2001. “See, I told you so. And that missing bra is stuck behind the headboard.”

April 1, 2003. “Plan on buying Sam a really nice birthday gift this year, he’s about to bail your ass out of a mess you can’t even imagine.”

January 8, 2005. “Make sure you’re on AIM today. Trust me, the rest of your life depends on it.”

Anyone of these could have saved me countless headaches. But would it be worth it? What other effects would any of these small changes have had? Would the known reward be worth the unforeseen consequences? After careful reflection, the risk just wouldn’t be worth it. My letter would go something like this:

Past me,
This is you 10 years from now. I’ve been trying to figure out what advice to give you to make our life turn out better, and I’ve only come up with this. The next 10 years of your life is going to be a wild ride, but don’t change a damn thing. Live it up, enjoy it all, and drink enough to pickle an elephant. There will be a regret or two (or eight), but it’s all worth it. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

Future you.

P.S. On second thought, there is one thing. Don’t pee in Kevin’s shoes, he really didn’t find that one funny.

Duties *hehehehe*

I was watching the Braves with my wife recently, and the announcer made the seemingly innocuous statement “Renteria is doing double duty on the infield tonight.” I of course, found this extremely funny, because being a man, what I had heard was “Renteria is doing double doody on the infield tonight.” I spent the next several seconds in laughter, while my wife rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath what a lucky woman she is. Women just don’t get it. They never have, and never will understand our sense of humor.

Why are doody jokes so funny? Any variant of the word will crack me up regardless of situation or setting. It’s funny for the same reason that a 90 year old man will fall off his rocking chair laughing at a fart. That kind of humor is simply timeless. I’ve come to the conclusion that the male sense of humor reaches full maturity at age 10. This rule is without question universal. If it was funny in 3rd grade, it’s funny now.

The reasoning here is simple. Growing older is inevitable, but growing up is merely optional. Being all grown up doesn’t mean that you can’t still enjoy at least some of what was so much fun as a kid. If you grow up to the point that you can’t laugh at something so purely childish as a doody joke, then what can you laugh at? With the amount of stress and worry that is entailed in being a responsible adult, you have to have a pressure release valve of some sort, and mindless humor that requires no mental exertion fills this role well.

Let’s face it, your day to day life sucks a lot of the time. When something comes along to relieve that, even for a moment, you should take full advantage of it. Quite frankly, it’s your duty. *hehehehe*

The Best And Worst Of Me

You’ll often hear people tell you that one time or another will be “the best years of your life”. The time period they reference will vary, and the source of this information will be some sad old soul pining over what might have been. Quite frankly, this is really bad advice to be given. How can you enjoy it if all you are doing is worrying about whether or not you are making the most of it? What really defines the best period of your life anyway? Is it fall nights under the lights playing high school ball? Binge drinking and chasing tail for 4 (or 5, or 6) years in college? Or is it merely as compared to the worst time of your life? I suppose the answer has a lot to do with your perspective.

Until very recently, the answer for me would have been the years I spent living in Athens shortly after college. I moved into a house with my best friend, had a mindless no stress job, and had no real responsibilities. Between UGA football, all night poker sessions, and hitting the midnight showing of every major movie release, it was truly the quintessential bachelorhood. What could possibly be better? At that time, the absolute worst thing I could have imagined was being trapped in some high stress job trying to juggle a career, a wife, a mortgage and an SUV. This was practically yesterday, but at the same time it was another lifetime ago.

Fast forward four short years and it’s a completely different world. I have a wife and a newborn daughter, and my world has been turned upside down and stuffed in a box. Where once I didn’t think about work unless I was there, I now have that high stress job that absolutely consumes me, but it provides the house, the SUV and the minivan. Back then a weekend was sleeping in on Saturday, catching a long lunch with my buddies, and then wasting the rest of the day watching Scrubs reruns. Now a weekend means up at 8am on Saturday to make the most of the day. I’ll mow the grass, spend the afternoon running around with the wife, and do all those other things that a good husband does. Instead of hours playing Playstation, I’ll stand in my daughter’s room and just watch her sleep. This dichotomy is absolutely fascinating to me. Virtually overnight, the beer swilling, skirt chasing frat boy has become this domesticated grownup that the old me would hardly even recognize, but I wouldn’t trade a moment of today for all the “good old days” put together.

So what really defines the best period of your life? It’s not fleeting moments of glory, and it’s not just as compared to the bad times. The answer is that the best time of your life is how you compare it to the rest of the good times. During what used to be the “best years of my life” I thought there could be nothing worse than my life now, but living it now couldn’t be any better.

The Bro's Before Ho's Principle

With few exceptions, all of the truly great stories that you have likely involve 3 key elements. Alcohol, doing something stupid, and most importantly the other guy that supplied either the alcohol, the idea, or the motivation that made it happen. Your friends provide the framework of your entire social structure, and they do this by being there for everything, both stellar and stupid.

As a general rule, guys will have a few select friends throughout his life rather than many lesser acquaintances, and they will be fiercely loyal to these chosen few. These are the guys that will drop everything to take you out to drink away a bad relationship, give up their couch when your girlfriend kicks you out, and defend you regardless of how very wrong you may be. They will be there supporting every decision you make, and they will also be there when those decision go directly to shit. These are the kind of actions that form absolute loyalty, and the importance of them cannot be overstated.

Women however, do not understand this. Their world tends to revolve around their current relationship, and they will likely expect the same from you. That is not to say they can’t dislike your friends, because they most certainly will. Most women you date will have a problem of some sort with one or more of your friends. See, in order for your girlfriend to view you as being date-able, she has to find some way to explain all your bad traits. Since most of your bad traits are probably related to the fact that you’re a guy, the natural response is for her to see your male friends as the embodiment (and therefore the cause) of everything negative she finds in you. That is to be expected. Your girlfriend doesn't have to become best buds with all your friends, but it's not too much to ask for her to at least tolerate them and play nice. Any woman, regardless of how hot she may be, who asks or even expects you to choose her over your friends is simply not worth your time. This critical element of guydom is known simply as “Bro’s Before Ho’s”

Unfortunately, while this principle is recognized and accepted by men everywhere as one of the simplest and most crucial that all guys live by, it is frequently violated. It is far too easy for many guys to get themselves wrapped up in the latest woman in their life and forget all about their friends. The excuses begin, ("I would come to trivia night, but…”), traditions are put on hold ("I know we go to Jacksonville for the Florida game every year, but...") and all the buddies get brushed off until the next time they're needed. Don’t be that guy, nobody likes him. While it is reasonable to expect that you will have less available time for drinking with the boys, don’t make the mistake of forgetting them entirely. If you do however, there is hope. These friends, being guys themselves, have probably made that same mistake, and will still be there for that night of drinking and debauchery when that latest, greatest woman drops you straight on your ass, regardless of how easy it was for you to blow them off. And they will still be there for the vicious cycle to start all over. Now ask yourself one question: How many women in your life are that reliable? That's what I thought.

Things We Wish You Knew

Those of you who have read any of my previous ramblings know that my primary audience is guys. This one is different. This article is written with a female audience in mind. There are things in this world that every guy accepts as truth, sometimes even as gospel, and we all truly wish that women understood them. So as a public service to men everywhere, I'm going lay it all out on the table in the and try to teach you a thing or two. Pay attention, and take notes as necessary.

-Try to be just a little considerate. If you have something to say during a game, save it for a commercial.
-Marco Polo didn't stop for directions. Neither will we. Ever.
-When the oil light in your car comes on, we want to know sooner, not later.
-We don't remember what day it is, and we don't care. If it's important, put it on the calendar.
-Baseball is not “just a game”. Checkers is a game. Learn the difference.
-If you ask us a question you do not want answered, you will get an answer you do not want.
-If you think your ass is getting bigger, it probably is. See the previous statement before asking us about it.
-We are not always thinking about you. Just accept it.
-Stop asking what we are thinking. It is always sex, food, beer, or sports.
-Your ex boyfriend is a dumbass. We don't care what he would think. The same is probably true of your brother and your Dad.
-Sunday afternoons are for naps and football. That's just the way it is.
-If there are 2 ways to interpret something we say, we mean the way that doesn't offend you.
-There are 162 games in a baseball season, and yes we have to watch them all.
-If you don't want the genie to come out, don't rub the damn lamp.
-You can work the toilet seat just as easily as we can.
-The black shoes you want us to look at in the mall will always look just like the ones in your closet.
-We never get subtle hints. Just tell us what you want.
-A simple yes or no is a perfectly acceptable answer. We really won't be upset if you don't explain in detail.
-The words "fine" and "whatever" are never acceptable ways to end a conversation.
-We don't care if you fake it. We just don't want to know about it.
-You can ask us to do something or you can tell us how to do it. You cannot do both.
-Yes we have to fart, and yes it will always be funny.
-Just because you care what your Mom thinks doesn't mean we do.
-What you are wearing is fine. It will always be fine.
-Don't ask us to clean the toilet and we won't ask you to mow the grass.
-If you make out with another chick, we don't consider it cheating. Actually, we encourage it.
-Cotton shorts and a tank top will always be hotter than anything you can buy at Victoria's Secret
-Peeing standing up is far more difficult than peeing at point blank range. We are going to miss once in a while.
-Is it really all that difficult to have the bra and panties match?

What were you expecting, some deep, emotional Freudian discussion? That's it. All very simple, but all very important. Now you know.

Language

Going through our daily lives, we as men tend to use harsh language at times. Some more than others, but we all do it. Sometimes it has to do with watching sports, sometimes it has to do with women, and sometimes just because it’s funny. The proper use of language however, is more than just throwing a random expletive into a sentence, it is an art form. Appropriate consideration must be given to several factors, including but not limited to, the setting, the company, and the desired effect of the statement you are trying to make. Mastering this art is crucial, as improper use of language can make you look like a complete jackass.

Some settings where swearing is completely inappropriate are fairly obvious. Church, job interviews, and public speaking venues are prime examples. Some settings are not as obvious, but important to remember nonetheless. Language is particularly critical on a first date, and for that matter the first few dates. Unless the female specifically opens that door, always carefully choose your words in the early dating phase. Remember that a first date is many things, but it is most importantly a job interview for your favorite part of your anatomy, and you should treat it as such. You really need to know the girl a little before exposing her to the more abrasive facets of your personality. How you talk in your professional life also warrants thought. Granted, the importance of this varies with your job, as the language on a construction site will be very different than that in a law firm, but as a general rule, some care must be taken. Regardless of your particular business, you will come off as much more professional if you talk like you are, and that will directly relate to your level of success. I'm of the opinion that work and women are closely related, as they are both simply pursuits of something. One is money, the other is booty, but you get the idea. And while in the pursuit of either, you should most likely watch what you say.

Considering the effect you are trying to achieve with what you are saying is also very important. While a statement can be greatly improved with the right word or phrase, the wrong one can just make you look stupid. Proper word choice is also often the deciding factor in whether something is funny or just obscene. Sometimes "Holy Shit" is a little extreme, but a well-timed "Holy Crap" is downright hysterical. The impact made by one simple word can also be seen in the difference in the sentences “Shut up” and “Shut the fuck up.” These are two entirely different statements. One little word, but a whole world of difference.

There are certain constants in this world that will always have significant impacts on our language. Women are of course one of these. The Pope himself would open up a whole new area of his vocabulary by moving in with a woman. Anytime your patience is tested in the way that only a woman can your language will certainly be impacted. I believe the reason for this to be that the frustrations that women impart on us transcend not only culture, but time as well, going back to the first caveman whose wife gave him hell for bringing home the wrong animal skin. Our brains regress and try to express this primal rage. Since simply clubbing women over the head became politically incorrect several thousand years ago, we express this rage through various colorful expressions.

While there are many reasons why we swear, and many different ways that we do it, the fact remains that is an art. We must always carefully watch what we say, how we say it, and who we say it to. Then again, I could be wrong, in which case - fuck it.

Choices

We all make choices every day of our lives. Some of these are big, like the house we buy, and some are small, like do I want tomato on my sandwhich today. Some however, are much bigger than they may seem. What may seem an insignificant decision requiring little or no thought may, and often times does influence how you are perceived by others, specifically by women. If that is the case, then these choices are determining whether or not you get laid, and therefore they are very significant indeed.

First of all, we should cover your drink of choice when out in public. You can never go wrong with beer. As long as there's no fruit in it, you're okay here. Mixed drinks are a whole other story however. There are far more guidelines to be observed here. First and foremost, no fruity shit. That much should be obvious. You simply cannot be taken seriously while drinking a strawberry daiquiri. Second, only international spies are allowed to drink martinis, so don't even think about uttering the words "shaken not stirred." If you're ordering mixed drinks, stick with the classics. Rum and coke is okay, Jack and coke is better, Crown and coke is preferred. You can get away with a whiskey sour, and straight whiskey or scotch is always a winner.

Personal appearance also warrants some attention. Stick with a classic business casual wardrobe and you'll be fine. Khaki pants and polo shirts or button downs will never be a bad idea. Jeans may be substituted for less formal occasions. The only real guideline here has to do with colors. NO PASTEL SHIRTS! You do not look good in that pink polo. You look gay. Get over it. Also included here is facial hair. Choose your facial hair responsibly people. No straight man has worn only a moustache since Magnum P.I. went off the air. Goatees are good, beards are okay. Anything beyond that may be acceptable for you depending on your occupation, but keep in mind that mutton chops simply aren't going to impress anyone.

Finally, let's look at your choice of vehicle. Now obviously what we drive does have some dependence on our income, and that's fine. You don't have to drive a BMW Z3, but you certainly may NOT drive a Volkswagen Bug. As long as you choose wisely and don't pick a car that just screams "I take it in the ass" you should be fine. In regards to color, again stick with the basics. Black, red, blue, and white are all fine. Green is a little girly, and anything yellow is just stupid. I mean seriously, what chance do you really have of getting laid if you pick the chick up in a yellow Kia. Think about that.

Choices rule our lives. We are forced to make choices everyday of our lives, and for the most part we make choices about things that we really don't give a shit about. The general rule is, when presented with a decision to make, I usually don't care either way, but consideration must always be given to what my choice may say about me to the opposite sex. So, when you get right down to it, almost every single choice you make can be simplified down to "do I want to get laid." And if you don't know the answer to that one, there's really not much I can do for you.

The Package Theory

Looks vs. Personalilty in a female prospect is an age old debate. It rarely comes up between two guys, because no true friend would ever try and set you up with an ugly girl. When you're being set up by a female friend, however, this is very important, because all your friend sees in this prospect is how good a person she may be. That's all well and good, but we all know that how good a person this chick is falls somewhere on my priority list between where she went to college and what her dog's name is. It's one of those things I'll find out at some point, but at first I really couldn't care any less.

I'm not saying that personality isn't important in the long run, but let's face facts here. How often do we really get to the long run. Look at it this way. If you walk into a room and there are two packages on a table that you must choose between, how do you choose? If one them is wrapped in torn dirty newspaper, it's not going to be chosen over one that is carefully and attractively wrapped. Granted, the first may contain a million dollars and the second a pound of dog shit, but you're going to choose the better looking one first. Regardless of how illogical this thinking may turn out to be, it's never going to change.

Women on the other hand, do not see it this way. They actually care what's on the inside regardless of the packaging. For this reason, extreme caution must be used when allowing a female friend to set you up with someone she knows. Yes, she may be a great person and the nicest girl you ever met, but chances are she looks like someone set her face on fire and put it out with a shovel. Does this mean that we're shallow and rude? YES! But we're men dammit, that really shouldn't be breaking news.

There is a downside to this line of thinking. It really can bite you in the ass. I've had a string of attractive women who were nothing but perfect to begin with, but then once that package is opened, turned out to be a truly rotten bitch. Personality does count at some point. But so does a nice rack.

Successfully Living In Crazyland

At some point in every man's life, he moves past just dating a woman and into an actual relationship. Yes, relationships, that ugly "R" word that changes all the rules we were so familiar with. It is easy to make the mistake that a relationship is just something that happens when you've been dating the same person for a while. That assumption however, is incorrect. That is simply the proper setting. A relationship is a complex paradigm all it's own that alters every single thing you thought you knew about women. You begin to see things about her that she hid so well during the dating phase. You begin seeing the annoying habits, the silly compulsions, and the beginnings of her insanity. You've now entered a place that I like to call Crazyland, and there are things you will need to know in order to survive here. Here are some of the big ones, in no particular order.

- Women are insane. All of them. Your girlfriend is not the exception to this rule, no matter how much you want her to be. You can continue telling your friends that she’s different, she doesn’t play the typical games, but they know the truth, we all do. Some women are better at hiding the crazy than others, but it’s there nonetheless, and it will come out at some point. That point will most likely be after you are in way over your head.

- Every day is brand new day. What may have been true yesterday is not necessarily so today. She can, and more importantly WILL, change her mind about some mundane detail at any given time, with no apparent reason. Just because she ordered a steak for dinner last week does not mean she isn't a vegetarian today. As annoying as this phenomenon can be, it only gets worse. You are expected to know not only when these changes take place, you must also know and understand why. There is no magic solution to this one, your best bet is to just wing it when it comes up, and never question her new opinion on anything.

- If she doesn't think you're interested in the same things she is, she will give you hell about it. Regardless of what she's into, she's going to want to talk to you about it, and she's going to expect some sort of intelligent response. The key here is, she has to think you care about this crap. Learn just enough about it to be able to fake a short conversation and when it comes up, throw in what little you know, make up the rest, and try to change the conversation quickly.

- She will never understand sports. She may ask you a question here and there, but she cares as much about sports as you do her silly interests. She will listen to your answer, but before you spend 30 minutes explaining the benefits of the zone defense, remember that she has absolutely no idea what you're talking about and wouldn't care if she did. Save yourself some trouble. Give her a quick answer, pretend to be truly touched by her interest and with any luck the whole ordeal won't take longer than one commercial break.

- You cannot convince her that her mother is wrong. It will never happen. You can be sure that she will consult her mother on every single decision she makes, and you can also be sure that what ever her mother says may as well come from Jesus himself. Unless it is concerning a topic of real importance, don't waste your time. Do you really care what color the curtains are? No, it's just not worth the effort to argue that. Now, if her mother is telling her that you two should move closer to her parents, that is worth arguing. Of course, if that is really an issue, you have bigger problems anyway.

- She will try to change you. I know that when you were dating she told you she liked you just the way you are, and she wouldn't change a thing, and I also know that you believed her. Guess what- that was bullshit. There are things she will want to change, and she will make one hell of an effort to do so. Now, no one can really advise you on this one, you're pretty much on your own. Beware of big changes and avoid them at all costs. However, if all she is asking is that you tuck your shirt in and shave when you take her out, you may decide that’s not a huge deal and may wind up being worth the payoff. But only if she's really hot.

The problem with successfully living in Crazyland is that you pretty much have to go at it all by yourself. There is no definitive manual, and no guaranteed method because all women are different, and they all have their own big fat cup of crazy that you will have to contend with. However, at some point you will have to figure this out, because most women do insist on the unfortunate stipulation that sex is tied to a relationship. Damn.

The Ugly Friend

We're all familiar with being single and having a constant string of friends insist on setting us up with someone. It may be a buddy whose girlfriend has a friend that is "really nice" or a female friend of your own who has someone that is "just perfect for you." We all know the rest of this story. You meet said friend while she may have that great personality, she's about as attractive as a mud fence. Why does this happen? Why is it that we are continually besieged by set-ups turned horribly, horribly wrong? The answer my friends is simple. The Ugly Friend Theory.

The Ugly Friend Theory is quite simple really. All women are incredibly vain, while at the same time incredibly self conscious. Therefore, a woman always has at least one friend who is far less attractive than herself, so that anytime she is feeling down, she can think "At least I'm prettier than my friend Ugly Girl." Now, while Attractive Girl is certainly using Ugly Girl, she is still her friend and feels it her duty to help Ugly Girl find someone. This is where you enter the picture. You have the unfortunate position of being single and being the friend of Attractive Girl, or perhaps Attractive Girl's boyfriend. This alone makes you a perfect match for Ugly Girl, and every effort will be made to set you up with her. Of course it’s a situation you would much prefer to avoid, as there really is no good way out of it. You can't exactly tell Attractive Girl why you don't want to date her friend, and God help you if you actually do wind up on a date with her or, even worse, a double date with you and the couple who set you up with this she-beast. There's a nice fairy tale ending waiting to happen. Your friends both want to know what you thought of Ugly Girl and when you'll be calling her and then they’ll be offended when you never do.

The solution to this problem is simple. Avoid the set-up at all costs, as no good will ever come of it. You will find yourself in an abolutely miserable position, and you will probably be forced to kill your friend just to have some peace about the whole mess. If you ever find yourself actually lonely enough to consider the set up, just do what the rest of us do and go find your self a nice, old fashioned bar whore.

The Code

Men live by a code. This code governs every aspect of our lives. All men should know and understand this code, but it is generally unwritten and unspoken. So for the good of men everywhere, here is The Code as I believe it to be.


-There is absolutely no conversation necessary in the men's room. Eyes forward, no talking, leave at least one urinal between you and the next guy whenever possible.
-Ex-girlfriends of you buddies are absolutely off limits. The only exception is if he gives you permission, but you may not ask for it.
-Sisters of your buddies are also off limits. There are no exceptions.
-When asked to help a friend move, the only legitimate excuse is death. When asked to help a friend of a friend move, any excuse is legitimate.
-The only required compensation for friends who help you move is beer, and the accepted rate is one 6 pack per buddy per day.
-If your friend is getting his ass kicked, you are duty bound to step in and help him. However, if this friend gets your ass kicked in the process, you are allowed to return the favor.
-When a friend is about to cheat on his girlfriend while he's drunk, you have to make one attempt at stopping him. If he is sober enough to stand up unsupported and tell you to fuck off, you are relieved of all responsibility.
-You are forever sworn to secrecy about any and all activities taking place at a bachelor party.
-Under no circumstances may you consume any beverage that comes with a tiny umbrella.
-You are required to be prepared to perform wingman duty on a moment's notice.
-When a buddy’s relationship ends, you are required to drop absolutely everything to take him out and drink her away.
-You may bitch about the temperature of free beer, but never the brand.
-Never share an umbrella with another guy.
-On second thought, never use an umbrella period, you pussy.
-You must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours, unless he slept with your ex or your sister in which case you must bail him out within 24 hours.
-When waiting on a guy who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes.
-When waiting on a girl who is running late, you must wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness you give her on a scale of 1-10.
-If another guy’s fly is unzipped, he’s on his own. Do you really want to point out to him and everyone else in earshot that you were looking at his crotch?
-If you fart on a woman in bed and then pull the covers up over her head, she is officially your girlfriend.
-The fact that you feel weird and uncomfortable after sex with your ex is no reason not to do her one more time before discussing what a huge mistake it was.
-When trying to decide who to side with in an argument between 2 women, always follow the booty principle – Which of the 2 do you stand the best chance of getting some booty from?
-Never, ever wear a Speedo.
-You can cheat on your taxes, on your resume, and at golf. You cannot cheat at poker, pool, or darts.
-Always adhere to the standard rules of shotgun.
-Guys do not cry. Exceptions- your team wins the World Series, when Old Yeller dies.
-Cheer for your local sports teams regardless of how bad they are.
-The Yankees suck.

Baseball

I love baseball. Men everywhere love baseball. Baseball is not just the national pastime, it’s the male pastime. We can sit and watch baseball for hours at time, even if we have no interest in the teams that are playing. We will pay $29 for a ticket to watch our team in person. And next year, when ticket prices are raised again, what will we do? Pass me my $6 hot dog, because I’m still going. Why do we do this? It’s not because we agree with putting more money in the owner’s pocket, or because we think players deserve $20 million a year, but because we love the game.

What is it about baseball that appeals to us so much? There are certainly a lot of reasons, but for the most part I think I think it’s pretty simple. Baseball is simply ingrained into our culture. We’ve all grown up knowing who Babe Ruth and Cy Young were, and wholeheartedly buying into the whole baseball and apple pie picture of America. Also, baseball played major role in our childhoods. We all played tee ball, we all remember the day our dad brought home our first glove, and we all still have a shoe box full of baseball cards. Our obsession with the sport goes beyond mere nostalgia however. I think it has to do more with how baseball appeals to the dreamer in us all. Baseball highlights the individual player unlike any other sport and it offers more opportunities for greatness. There have been plenty of shutouts in football, but have you ever heard of a team holding the opposition to 0 offensive yards? It has never happened, but there have been 17 official perfect games in baseball history. No football player has ever snapped the ball to himself, thrown a pass, and then run under it for a touchdown. But there have been 13 unassisted triple plays in baseball. I believe this opportunity for individual greatness, even if only for a moment, is a large part of why we love the game.

As true as all this is, the primary reason that we love baseball is even more profound. Baseball reminds us of life. Baseball, like life, is very imperfect. Things never seem to go quite like we want them to, and the outcome can change in a heartbeat. The difference however, is that baseball is accepted as such. A hitter that manages to get 3 hits every 10 at bats is almost guaranteed to make it to the hall of fame. A field goal kicker that only made 3 out of 10 would be unemployed. What would our lives be like if the endless pursuit of perfection was gone, and it was accepted that a success rate of 30% numbered us among the very best. I think we would be much less stressed and as a result, happier and healthier. We relate to this imperfection. Baseball doesn’t so much imitate life as it idealizes what we wish life could be. Because no matter how imperfect a game you play on the field, and no matter how badly the game goes, you know you will always get your turn at bat. If only life was so simple.

Hold The Lime

Anyone who has ever ordered a Corona beer knows that it is typically served with a slice of lime. Ask your average beer drinker why this is, and you'll get one of a myriad of answers. Some will tell you that it is because the beer is brewed in Mexico and that the citric acid in the lime will kill the microorganisms in Mexican water that can have unfortunate effects on the human digestive system. Some will just cop out and say “because that's how it's served.” And some will give the most pitiful answer of them all: that the lime neutralizes the bitter taste of the beer.

But before we go into those excuses, let’s get a few things straight. First of all, no self-respecting man ever puts fruit in a perfectly good beer. Second, the Mexican piss water known as Corona is barely beer at all. That aside, it is pretty good with Mexican food, and it does tend to be the drink of choice with such dining. But if you’re going to drink it, be a man and have the waitress hold the damn lime.

But what about all the reasons in favor of the lime? We’ll deal with those in proper order. First of all, the idea of using lime to kill microorganisms is just plain wrong. The water treatment phase of the brewing process eliminates the microorganisms that cause disturbing illnesses, so the dangers associated with drinking Mexican water do not apply to Corona. You will not get amoebic dysentery. And even if the beer wasn’t safe, did you really think one little slice of lime was going to save you from a week of the shits? The “that’s just how it’s served” excuse, on the other hand, is flat-out weak. Just because the bartender typically serves Corona with a lime doesn't mean you have to drink it that way. You can get it any way you want it, that’s why it’s called “ordering.” And finally the reasoning that the lime neutralizes the bitterness is just stupid. Guess what? Some beers are bitter. They are supposed to taste that way. Beer is an acquired taste. So if you think that any beer is too bitter to be drunk without a lime in it, peek into your shorts and find a pair, or save yourself the trouble and order a damn wine cooler.

The point is simple, do not ever, ever, under any circumstances, put fruit in a beer. If you can't drink Corona without a lime, order something you can handle and leave the fruity drinks to your girlfriend. Be a man, and remember my mantra "Hold the Lime." Repeat that to yourself a few times, it gets easier. Otherwise, next thing you know you'll be ordering a Zima and putting Jolly Ranchers in it, and nobody wants to be that guy.

Intro

There are very few things that don’t come with instruction manuals. Our cars, our TV’s, and even our checkbooks come with a set of instructions, telling us how to operate them. So why is it that life doesn’t come with one? We are all simply forced to make do on our own, and often times the result is eerily reminiscent of a VCR that constantly flashes 12:00. I see this as simply unacceptable. There should be some a definitive set of instructions to help guys live their lives as true men should. A collection of miscellaneous ramblings that will if nothing else provide some humor and a little perspective here and there. That is what I'm trying to create here. I'm taking my life experiences, combining them with the advice of wise men I've met along the way, throwing in the occasional doody joke, and hoping the end result will be an inspiration to men everywhere, as well as being pretty damn funny.

Now, as a standard disclaimer, it should be understood that the articles I write and post on this blog are intended to be humorous. That being said, some of the things that I say may tend to straddle the line between funny and offensive. However, there is no reason for anyone to get their drawers all in a twist. If you get offended, there is a simple solution: stop reading. If you get offended and continue reading, then you’re just a dumbass and beyond help anyway

Origins

Several years ago, my best friend and I discussed writing a book. Our idea was to take all facets of male life, and compile them into one condensed volume. An instruction guide to life as a man, if you will, tentatively titled The MANual. We brainstormed on and off about this for several years, and one night 4 years ago, it truly began to take shape. We were sitting around with several friends and began drinking. As it happened, the only beer in the apartment was Corona. When the host brought us all the first round, in typical fashion every bottle had a lime wedge stuck in it. I made a joking comment about how no self respecting man would ever put fruit in his beer, and it sparked a conversation about what else no man should ever do. We realized that we had something, that this was the catalyst to bring our book to fruition. Over the next week or so, the idea morphed from a book to a website. We would take all the individual chapters we wanted to include in the book, make them stand alone articles, and publish them on the web site. The website would be titled "Hold The Lime", in reverance to the idea that truly got it rolling, and what became the first article.

As time went on, the enthusiasm faded. A few attempts were made to get everything going, but life kept getting in the way. Here we are now, 4 years later, and all that is left to show of what was once an absolute obsession are the articles I had written. In that time, the articles have become dated to some degree, in the sense that I am not the same person I was when I originally wrote them. In the time that has passed, I have gotten married, started a family, and become the responsible adult that I never thought possible. I continually revist the articles, though, and still have the desire to complete this project, which I will now do through this blog. I will finally publish all the old stuff, and begin to write new ones.

Enjoy.

V